I recently started a new job, and as I’ve been going through all the human resources codes of conduct and procedures, it got me thinking — what would HR have to say about motherhood?
Hi, is this HR? This is the mom. I’d like to file a report about my offspring.
I’ve heard we are supposed to be HIPAA compliant, but somehow my children have not gotten that message. Not only do they regularly reveal my secret information, like what we got Grandma for Christmas, they are frequently known to shout out my weight, when I last pooped, and how much money I spent at Target to anyone who is willing to listen. If they knew my social security number, I’m sure they’d turn it into a jingle to be sung at top volume. We have a serious data breach here. Can you suggest some best practices for containment?
I’ve heard there are supposed to be healthy boundaries at work, but my children call me in at all hours of the day and night to solve all levels of problems (that, really, they could solve by themselves). These problems include things like how to put on their pants or socks — things I taught them years ago. They never clean up after themselves. And then there are the questions that are WAY above my paygrade, like, “How does God feel about underwear?” and, “Can you explain the metaverse?” I am constantly interrupted when I try to speak or think. I almost always feel out of my league, and I’m always on call.
Is there training for this role? Nope. None whatsoever. Is there a way to master it? Negative. Do I get performance reviews? Normally only on the dinners they really don’t like. Also, there’s the matter of the breast grabs and walk-by bum squeezes in public that my toddler still engages in. This job has no boundaries whatsoever!
And then there’s the small issue of pay and benefits. I’ve been on this job for nearly nine years and haven’t once gotten a raise — and the work has tripled since I started! Now granted, since I’m paid in hugs and kisses, it would be hard for the salary to really get much better, but maybe we could discuss some additional paid time off? Or just any time off, honestly?
Finally, there’s the issue of conflict on the job site. I’ve got to be honest, when I signed up for the role of mom, I was not expecting to have to manage so much conflict within my team over such trivial matters. Thankfully, the microaggressions and passive-aggressive behaviors are fairly minimal, but the overt tackling, occasional hitting, and regular sitting on each others’ faces are a little extra. And does it really matter who has the red Legos?
Do I want to quit? No, no. I think you have quite the wrong idea. I love this job — it’s one of the best jobs in the whole wide world. I’m staying in it for life. It’s unlike any I’ve ever held. Yes, it crosses every boundary, the hours are very long, and the time off is extremely limited. But the perks more than make up for all the hardships. The ability to shape the next generation of leaders and literally teach the future how to be decent and kind is unparalleled. The joy of getting to watch people truly shine in their gifts and skills — and know that you helped to empower that — is immeasurable. The laughter I get to enjoy, even through embarrassment, at times, is second to none. And as I said before, while the compensation doesn’t pay the bills, it is a pure delight to receive.
So no, I am not quitting this job. I wouldn’t trade it for the world! But it’s probably a good thing my children have a few more years of training left before they actually enter the HR-compliant workforce!
