Should I Stay, or Should You Go?

His hand on my back, I cry quietly into the pillow.

Because at the end of the day, there’s no longer an “us.” There’s begging him to make some sort of effort at a relationship. There’s pleading for attention or affection of any kind. There are fights. There’s drinking. There is exhaustion.

We’re civil. More than that, we are friends — and friendly, too. We have fun as a unit, but the efforts made are severely lacking, and I know they aren’t one sided either. But I asked months ago — many months ago — for effort toward a relationship. Something small. Take me on a date. Organize with the sitter. Book a table somewhere. Nothing.

He’s married to his job and always has been. But I’m dying to have a life of hugs and laughter, and less stress and more presence. I’m longing for someone to be in the middle of it all with me, wrapped up in the madness of the world but knowing we’re each other’s safe space to leave it all behind and just cuddle watching TV. Dream, plan, get away from this mess, and make moves to grow beyond our 9 to 5s and actually enjoy living. 

So many times I’ve asked, “How did we get here?” And then, “Should I stay?” Now it’s gotten to the point where I’m asking, “How do I get out?” We celebrate the traditional milestones and memories while patiently trudging along, but my patience is wearing thin. I both want and deserve more. A hug shouldn’t have to be asked for.

I’ve never been farther away or felt more alone than when he’s lying beside me. He’s deep in slumber — snoring, at that — while I put all my dreams on pause as I wait for a partner to truly share them with.

But life doesn’t wait. There is no pause button, no reset, restart, or do-over. So here I am, biding time and turning dreams into reality, knowing it may not look like I thought it would and reminding myself I can hold my own hand, too. At the end of the day, time is a thief and it waits for no one. And I certainly can’t wait on him.