When I tell people I’m a single mother by choice, I get a lot of different responses — and some raised brows. Did I choose to be single? Don’t all mothers (on some level) choose to be mothers? What, exactly, did I choose?
A single mother by choice (or SMC) is someone who is unpartnered and decides to become a mother — knowing at the outset they will be parenting alone.
Let me start at the end — I am now a mother to a magnificent almost-3-year-old who I watch in amazement as she grows. I made the choice to love her and protect her and be her #1 cheerleader long before I knew who she would be.
But my decision to become a mother didn’t bring her into being. Instead, it was a long road of misfortunes, mishaps, and (luckily) a lot of science and maybe some miracles that brought her into my life and made me a mother.
At 39, I was single, divorced, childless, and not too fertile. But I was hopeful. It was then that I made the first choice, which was to try to become a mother.
Six failed IUI cycles and two failed IVF cycles later (one of which included an embryo that did not survive the thaw), I had to make a second choice — to let go of the hope for my own eggs and become a mother some other way.
The third choice of how to proceed with the plan was easy — egg donations in the United States were financially prohibitive for me, and there are many international options that are cheaper (much cheaper). Hence, choice number four — I chose a clinic in Ukraine.
Choices five and six came soon after — choosing the sperm and egg donors from an online catalogue.
Next came the seventh choice, which wasn’t much of a choice at all since not many fertility doctors in NYC (where I was living at the time) were willing to only do the “prep” work for the transfer procedure. So I chose a doctor who had worked with the Ukraine clinic previously. On my last visit, she said to me, “They make great embryos in Ukraine” — and oh, was she right!
Now came the science and the miracles: I traveled to Ukraine with my parents on March 9, 2020 (you remember that week), for a transfer planned for March 10. During the time of the transfer procedure, my grandmother passed away. I believe she somehow made sure my transfer would be successful.
Next, we spent four days in Lviv (yes, the same place you now know of as a war-torn town). The WHO had just declared COVID-19 a pandemic, and we found ourselves scrambling to get on the very last flights out of Ukraine and into the U.S. before the sweeping travel ban between Europe and the U.S. went into effect.
A week later, on March 20, 2020, I took a pregnancy test in my Brooklyn apartment, and it was positive!
Many life choices later, I now find myself living in Waltham, MA, right next door to my parents, with no choice at all but to happily (and tiredly) watch this miracle of a child unfold and grow. Becoming a mother has involved so many choices. But the result of all those decisions is exactly what my daughter and I needed!
If you are a local SMC (thinker, tryer, pregnant, or mom), click here for the Boston SMC group.
