I grew up in a Christian home, and I was told about the “birds and the bees” at about 14 years old. I remember being told this: “Sex is a beautiful thing, between a man and a woman — when they are married. The purpose of sex is to procreate and make babies.” Sound familiar? Anyone?
I also received the message that sexual pleasure only matters to the man. A man is permitted to masturbate. Sex is over when a man has an orgasm. And, possibly most ridiculous, I (the woman) must be responsible for preventing pregnancy. As a teenager and young adult, I truly thought sex was a job a woman should perform for her partner — that sex may be enjoyable for me, but the focus should be on pleasing a man. I was, in fact, unaware a woman could climax until after I became sexually active. (I figured that out on my own, with a toy — no man helping me there.)
I recently watched the Netflix documentary “The Principals of Pleasure” and found it to be super informative. Here is a quote by Dr. Emily Nagoski (sex educator and author) that stuck with me: “It’s not about men not knowing how to give a woman an orgasm, it’s about men being taught or thinking that it does not matter.”
I am telling you it does matter. Women having orgasms improves everything. Intimacy, mood, and communication can all be made better by women experiencing pleasure. But we need partners who want us to orgasm. We need partners who care about our pleasure as much as their own.
We need to talk to our partners. We need to be open and communicative about what we want or need. Do not expect your partner to know how to pleasure you. Women’s bodies are complicated. Figure it out yourself, or explore it together.
Being sexually satisfied can be good for a woman’s health. Scientific studies have proved that having an orgasm relieves stress. Hello, serotonin! For some, it can help with sleep. For others (myself included) it helps relieve headaches. In my 20s I told a neurologist, who I was seeing for my chronic headaches, that having an orgasm helped. His response was “I am prescribing you two medications to take daily.” Imagine if he had said, “That’s great! Try masturbating daily and see if it improves your headaches before we medicate you.” It would have been more fun and cheaper than a prescription for sure.
Ladies, we need to do better. We can do better. We can teach our children about their bodies. We need to explain what our bodies are capable of and how to safely enjoy sex. We need to not shame our kids when they want to explore their bodies. We need orgasm equality and to teach our children that sex is for two people and not just about one. We must better explain the side effects of oral birth control, like decreased sex drive (I experience that one myself). It is not vulgar or impure to want to have sexual pleasure as a woman. I still consider myself a Christian and believe God gave me this body, clitoris and all. Why would he give it to me and not want me to use it?
I am in an extremely happy, healthy, and strong relationship, and we are having the most fun in the bed and out of the bed. We have great communication about our wants and needs. We adore each other, and I know a big part of it is because of the deep vulnerability we have shared with each other. We take care of each other in many aspects of life, including sex. So far, for me, sex has only got better with time — more uninhibited and intimate.
You may be reading this and thinking, “But it is just not my thing,” or “I do it because I want my husband to be happy, but I want him to get it over with so I can XYZ…” You know what would make him happy? I mean, really happy? You having an orgasm. Ladies, it is a win-win situation. Go for it.
