The Perfect Sibling Age Gap

I meet a lot of parents in my line of work. So, after becoming pregnant with my second child nearly four years after my first was born, I wanted to know how other parents felt about the age gap between their kids. Does a perfect age gap exist? Here’s what I learned:

With a small age gap — less than 2.5 years apart

Most parents I talked to who planned for multiple kids reported wanting their kids to be born about 1.5-2.5 years apart.

Pros:

1. You likely still have all the newborn essentials and baby gear from your first. Most items are still in decent condition and up to the current safety standards.
2. You likely still have a bit of a postpartum body, so it won’t feel like you’re completely undoing any fitness accomplishments.
3. Your babies will be playing nicely together after about 18 months.
4. Sibling discounts! Childcare is expensive, so we’ll take any break we can get.
5. There aren’t “your memories” and “my memories” between siblings but rather “our memories” because the oldest won’t really remember being an only child.
6. You’re still tired, so just keep going. Who needs sleep!

Cons:

1. Most reported that the first year is very challenging because the older child doesn’t really understand what’s happening.
2. If you’ve started sleep training the first child, the arrival of a new baby may derail your progress.
3. It feels like you’ve been pregnant for years without a break.
4. If you are breastfeeding, it can be difficult to wean your first in preparation for your second. Some report tandem breastfeeding.
5. Two kids in diapers really stinks — literally and figuratively.
6. The oldest child is still too young to be left alone (think diaper changes, etc.). Where one goes, they both go.

For a larger age gap — 2.5 to 6 years apart

Pros:

1. The older sibling understands what is happening and can be prepped for the upcoming change.
2. Your oldest may be fully potty trained and even dressing independently before the baby arrives. This is super helpful during stressful transitions, like getting out of the house, mealtimes, and getting ready for bed.
3. Many parents reported that they could really enjoy each baby during the “baby stage” because of the gap.
4. Your older child may be old enough to be left playing independently while you tend to the baby or to yourself for short periods of time.
5. You may not have to pay for childcare for two kids simultaneously for very long or at all.
6. Your older child may be old enough to help you care for the baby (they make excellent diaper runners).

Cons:

1. It may feel like you are starting over completely. If your oldest is fully potty trained, sleeping through the night, and/or finally out of daycare/nannying, this can be particularly painful.
2. You may need to purchase much of the large baby gear again because of changing safety standards and wear and tear.
3. Kids take longer to play together cooperatively.
4. The oldest will remember the days of only childhood and may miss that time.
5. You may have just started feeling healthy or like yourself again after your first. The new pregnancy may set you back.
6. Some doctors, like many of us, accept new job offers every 3-5 years, so you may find yourself searching for a new OB.

After talking with dozens of second- and third-time parents, it’s clear to me that there’s no prefect age gap. There’s just the imperfect but beautiful story of how you became a parent to multiple little humans. Enjoy as much of it as you can!