However we create and build our families, one of our first experiences is developing hopes, dreams, and visions for our children. We want them to find happiness, to find their purpose, to feel fulfilled, find friends, give love, and feel loved. I will not pretend I don’t have these hopes for my children. But, in my relatively short time as a mom, I have been continuously challenged by the notion that my kids will not be who I want them to be.
They will be who they are meant to be.
Sure, I will try to instill in them some of the values I hold most dear and think are important, but otherwise… who am I to say?
Sometimes this is an amazing, awe-inspiring revelation. Oftentimes it is a little scary. But it is always the truth, and I am working through what that means.
My friend shared an Instagram post recently that inspired me with its new-to-me philosophy: Our job as parents is to READ the books of our children, not write them. I was shook — stopped in my tracks — when I read that. I had been looking for the words to describe what I have been attempting to do in my parenting (not always well, but trying). To lead with curiosity, to let my kids explore not only the world around them but who they are, to avoid putting them in boxes based on early assumptions or my own experiences. It is hard, but it is worth it.
Want to wear nail polish? Sure! Want to play hockey? Yup! Like to try on my jewelry and necklaces? Let’s do it! Love to get dirty and climb things? Go for it! (I will be inside.)
I recently watched a documentary episode about Tyler the Creator, a member of the group Odd Future. He’s a wildly successful artist, Grammy winner, and entrepreneur. He also may be described as quirky and odd as he walks to the beat of his own drum. He tells the story of being a kid and wanting to wear the polos Old Navy sold in the women’s section, and his mom told him, “Sure, wear whatever you like.” He said that small gesture, encouraging his interests versus shutting him down, gave him the freedom to continue exploring and diving deeper into his creative intuition. And while he may not have ever “fit in,” even in the music industry, the early confidence and assurance that what he was into was worth pursuing helped him succeed and persevere.
Who knows if I will have a Grammy winner, hall of famer, Nobel Laureate, or — equally worth celebrating — none of the above! What I do know is that I am committed to encouraging the exploration — and not crushing it. Even if that means bucking the norm, challenging the status quo, going up against external expectations or commentary. Even if it is hard internally for me to let go of whatever vision I had for my kids. I often ask myself, “If they don’t feel safe figuring out who they are with me, where will they feel safe?”
