Don’t Give Up on Those New Moms’ Groups!

It was 9:15 a.m., I hadn’t slept in eight hours, and my 5-month-old had just projectile spit up all over me. Just as I pulled a clean shirt over my head, he had a blowout diaper. Up to his neck. As I hosed him down, I thought about the new moms’ group starting at 9:30 a.m. that I was already late for. I could think of no reason to go at this point. I was tired, the baby was fussy, and we were both in tears. Not a good way to arrive at an event to meet new people. But for a new moms’ group, it was perfect.

After the adrenaline of the first few months of new parenthood faded and the weather began to turn colder, I knew I needed to find some “mom friends.” Most of my existing friends had started having children years before I did, so their kids were older. I needed to talk to people who were in the trenches with sore nipples, sleep deprivation, and fears that we would never again hold adult conversations that didn’t revolve around bodily functions.

It took six different new moms’ groups before I found my peeps. At the first group we sat on yoga mats and tried to meditate while the babies cried. Next was a group where no one breastfed without being shrouded, and I felt like they looked at my exposed breast with revulsion. At another group the facilitator had us doing personality inventories of ourselves and our infants to see which areas we were not well paired so we could be proactive about addressing these areas. And as if that wasn’t enough pressure, psychology students watched us through a one-way mirror. There were some bad groups out there, and there were groups that simply were not a match for me (like the one where moms compared their designer diaper bags). But I kept trying to find my group, believing there was one out there for me.

I realized early on that just as I wouldn’t befriend someone simply because we shared a birth year, neither did I have to hang out with people I didn’t connect with just because we had babies the same age. It was hard to put myself out there over and over again, to keep trying to find those I would truly connect with, but I had faith. I knew I didn’t have to love everyone in a moms’ group, but I desperately needed a few kindred spirits.

I realized I had found my very own new moms’ group when no one batted an eye as mothers trickled in at all different times, people breastfed and bottle-fed however and whenever they wanted, and not one person bragged about her baby sleeping through the night. Our facilitator had us check in with each other at the beginning of the group — with the focus on us talking to one another. She only jumped in if asked. With that, our facilitator gifted us the space to truly connect with each another.

We weren’t all coming from the same place. In my small, tightly knit group, we had atheists, devout Catholics, an ex-Mormon, a Muslim, Jews, a Unitarian Universalist, and an evangelical Christian. Some of us went back to work full time when maternity leave was up, others went back part time, and some decided to stay home full time. Our group included homeschoolers, public school teachers, an artist, a doctor, a scientist, and entrepreneurs. Some of us were married to same-sex partners, others were in more traditional marriages, and some were single mothers. At the end of the day, we were bonded by our desire to reflect on the journey of new motherhood and support one another.

The group was well designed to extend those relationships. Our facilitator encouraged us to go out for coffee together after group, to find people who were going through similar experiences, and exchange numbers. We began to take over our local Starbucks after our group each week, and from there it flowed easily to walks to playgrounds and eventually playdates at people’s homes.

From my new moms’ group I gained deep friendships that have sustained me over the last four years. We have laughed and cried together, celebrated new siblings and jobs, and grieved losses and moves. These amazing mamas make me laugh in the middle of the night with funny group texts about the absurdity of parenting and pass along thought-provoking articles about new research on brain development. It took me a couple months and six different groups to find my people, but I will be reaping the benefits for years to come.

Did you find the right new moms’ group?