Anatomy of a Zoom Call

It’s officially summer, and all I have to say is, thank goodness the Zoom calls are done for the school year. Because remember the anatomy of a Zoom call? I sure do:

Place child strategically in house, back to blank wall. Ensure that no mess can be seen behind child.

Beg child not to pick up laptop and wander around the house during the call. Bribe if necessary.

Sit just off camera. Beg child not to turn camera in your general direction, lest the class see your less than glamorous (ahem, less than human) appearance.

Take cute picture during the three seconds you believe this is going smoothly.

Whisper-yell at other children for loudly announcing bodily functions during call.

Gently shove Zoom-ing child back into screen view every four seconds.

Pull dancing, underwear-clad sibling out of screen view. Pray nobody saw teeny tushie.

Beg dog to stop barking before she sets off other children’s dogs. Fail miserably. Listen to cacophony of dogs singing the songs of their people for remainder of call.

Remind child repeatedly that others can see them. Wonder if they pick their nose in class. Assume by teacher’s lack of reaction that the answer is yes. Remind self to work on hygiene with child. A lot. Hiss at child for wiping nose on sleeve.

Shoo cat off computer. Press buttons wildly to get Zoom screen back. Realize class can now see you. Vow to brush hair.

Break up sibling argument off screen. Hope teacher cannot hear you whisper-yelling at children.

Realize child has turned the screen to face argument (and coordinating giant pile of laundry).

Vow to get out of pajamas next time.

Repeat daily.

Whatever the next school year brings, we will power through. But I am crossing my fingers for no more Zoom calls!

Deanna is a mom of five (yes, five) children, who lives in Brockton with her small circus of kids, her husband, their dog Penny, and a few cats. Her life is loud, energetic, mostly fun, often gross (did she mention four of those kids are boys?), and she wouldn't have it any other way. In between carting kids to school, baseball, gymnastics, guitar, dance, track and field and every other kid activity known to mankind, she works as a school bus driver for the city of Brockton, and is the Director of Religious Education at the Unity Church of North Easton, a Unitarian Universalist congregation. Deanna also holds degrees in Elementary Physical Education and Dance Education, which she plans to put back into use one day. At parties, Deanna can often be found hanging out with family pets. She follows her children around with a camera like the paparazzi, is pretty sure that 97% of her blood stream is made of coffee, and her laundry is never done. You can also find her blogging at