“Enjoy Every Moment” and the Harm of Toxic Positivity

I happened to be reading “Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes during my pregnancy. It was not necessarily an intentional choice, it just worked out that way. But the words I read about motherhood have forever stayed with me.

Rhimes insists that being a mother is not a job and that she, in fact, finds that phrasing offensive. You can quit a job, but you can’t quit being a mother. You’re a mother forever.
This resonates with me for so many reasons. Becoming a mother is a choice I made — it was something I had always wanted. And it’s a choice I never regret.

And I agree, it’s not a job — I can’t give two weeks notice, I can’t take a vacation away from it, and while there are benefits, they are not of the tangible variety, like health insurance and paid time off.

But, like anything in life, being a mother is far from perfect. Like any role, there are great days, horrible days, and everything in between. I love being a mother, and I love raising my son and watching him grow. We have made so many memories, and I look forward to making more as he gets older. I would not change a thing.

However, there are things that come along with motherhood that can be difficult, stressful, and sometimes draining. The parts that we’re not always so comfortable talking about — carrying the mental load of the family, managing the household, dealing with illnesses, juggling schedules and appointments. The parts that are too gross to talk about — blow-out diapers, potty training mishaps, unexpected projectile vomiting.

And in dealing with those difficulties, sometimes all you need is a good vent session — to let out all those unpleasant, awful emotions and feelings. I try to find an audience that I hope will also get it. But sometimes I find a “positive vibes only” type out in the wild, and this is quite the roadblock. The toxic positivity seems far more harmful than sharing negative emotions or experiences.

Listen, I get it. Negative energy is a total turnoff. But I am not a constant Debbie Downer, so things like, “But you’re so blessed” or, “Enjoy every moment” are irksome for so many reasons. I am aware that I’m blessed. It goes without saying, and I am thankful and grateful. But no, I don’t enjoy every moment. If you find yourself enjoying being on all fours cleaning up bodily fluids, I have to question your sanity.

And while the sentiment of “enjoy every moment” may not be literal, it still comes across as disingenuous. Because there are difficult moments, and I don’t believe in denying those. I became a mother knowing I’d have to take the hard parts along with the good ones. After all, it is because of the hard parts that I’m able to truly appreciate and relish in the good.