Motherhood comes with a host of choices about what is best for you, your family, and your children. We at Boston Moms Blog are a diverse group of moms who want to embrace these choices instead of feeling guilty or judged for them! We are starting our “Parenting Perspectives” series with a look at the heated topic of birth and birth plans. Two or more of our contributors will share their experiences of choosing their particular birth plan.

birth perspectives: mountain, choosing an epidural

For the record, I hate needles. I know no one likes them. One of my close friends has to use them constantly for chronic health issues, and I admire her greatly — and I know “have to” and “choose to” are very different. I get incredibly anxious. I can’t give blood because I pass out. I’ve often needed anxiety medication for the dozen-plus dental surgeries I’ve had, because dentists use enormous needles and are right in your face. In fact, the worst part of the prenatal visits for me were the lengthy blood draws and having to explain my anxiety to phlebotomists who have probably seen worse.

Still, my epidural was highly premeditated. I didn’t try to convince myself otherwise, and I’ve never felt guilty about making an informed medical choice that was right for me and my health. I did have to constantly psych myself up to tolerate it, though. I had known I would want the epidural since 2004 — long before I had my daughter in 2011. I knew that far back because my health history (see my birth story) made it hard for me to imagine or choose otherwise. I knew my lingering fog of health anxiety would be high during labor and that adding pain to the equation would make for an experience and memory I didn’t want. I hate needles, but my health anxiety trumped it — hard core. My mountain was anxiety, the epidural a tool to crest it.

And it sucked. I hated it. I knew the anesthesiologist had a big needle. There was what felt like a small crowd in the room (medical students), and I had to remain perfectly still. Yup, I’m in medication-induced labor, I’m anxious, you want to stick a large needle in my spine, AND I have to not flinch — very, very hard. It wasn’t glorious and rainbows. Shortly after the epidural was placed my blood pressure went AWOL, and it initially only worked on one side of my body. I panicked. I got sick to my stomach. An empathetic and attentive nurse offered me anxiety medication — another complicated choice, but I took it. Finally, the epidural WAS glorious. Without a lot of pain, I felt my daughter being born. I knew when to push, and it wasn’t a total fog (of anxiety or drugs).

Some moms choose the medication. Some don’t. Some moms shout from the mountains how awesome it felt to give birth without medication because that is how nature intended it. Great — let them roar. Some rave about the glory of medication and how it freed them. Great — let them roar. Some are blessed with uncomplicated births, and some are not. It doesn’t make one better or worse, it just makes us all real.

Mine wasn’t a perfect choice or a perfect experience — but really, nothing ever is. And while I’m not planning another birth, if I eventually do I will choose another epidural. It’s my choice — my informed and right-for-me-and-my-health choice. No guilt. No regret.

Climb the mountain however you can.

 

Parenting Perspectives: Choosing a C-Section

Parenting Perspectives: Choosing Minimal Interventions During Childbirth

Parenting Perspectives: An Ode to My Midwife