“What did you get yourself into this time?” my husband, Jay, responded when I told him I was selected as a contributor for Boston Moms Blog. Honestly, I can’t blame him. Ever since we had our first daughter, Cecilia, nearly three years ago, I have signed us up for one activity after another. In fact, it was only last summer that I founded and became president of the local MOMS Club chapter in my town in an effort to foster relationships with mom friends. Before that, I enrolled us in swim, dance, yoga, gymnastics, story hour at the library. You name it — we joined it.
What can I say? I wouldn’t categorize myself as a “joiner” by nature, but I do have a tendency to join things. Before mommy-hood, I pursued classes at the Boston Center for Adult Education, graduated from the Improv Asylum’s training program, and even attempted belly dancing in Brookline, all in an effort to expand and evolve. After Ceci was born, I knew I needed to do the same.
This was new territory for me, and I felt lost and alone, despite the fact that I was surrounded by family and friends. So I did what I had always done: I joined things. I longed to make mom friends and connect with them in a way that was not possible with my husband, my friends who are not mothers, or even my friends who are mothers, but of older children. I needed moms in the same “boat” I was sinking in — that sleep-deprived, drowning-in-love, disoriented-and-dehydrated, struggling-with-breastfeeding, hating-my-post-pregnancy-body boat.
Forging connections with others is essential to my well-being. I learned that lesson almost 15 years ago when I was blessed with the gift of sobriety. In the beginning of my journey, sober friends helped me stay healthy, sane, and alcohol-free, simply by sharing their experiences with me. Without meaningful connections, I feel both lonely and alone — and yes, those are two different things. That is dangerous territory for anyone, let alone a new mother.
I refused to allow myself the luxury of self-pity and self-loathing that isolation provided. Even on days when my mind and body insisted I stay home, I packed up my newborn and my diaper bag and headed out into the world of Mommy and Me. Unfortunately, what I found most often were moms who already knew each other and were joining things together. I participated at a minimum — showing up but being too scared to talk, or trying to talk but feeling like my contributions were inane. Despite those feelings, I continued to show up. I made a commitment to myself and to my daughter to foster new relationships with other like-minded women.
Honestly, it all made me want to jump out of my skin. But if this was so uncomfortable, why did I continue to do it? Because becoming a mother changed me. I would do anything and everything for my two little girls. Now that I’m able to reflect on those early months, I know I did it for myself and for Ceci. I didn’t want to prevent her from socializing because I found it taxing and anxiety-provoking. I didn’t want her only interaction to be an episode of “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” because it was easier to stay home than to pack her up and bring her to a place where other humans, both big and small, were building a community.
I’m grateful I did this then, and continue to do this today, because she is a smart, social, silly toddler who loves to be around other people as much as I wish I did. She is my greatest teacher, and she makes it easier for me to be social. I hope I am able to do the same for our latest addition, Adelaide, because she deserves the same opportunities to develop her social intelligence.
I think the best response to my husband’s, “What did you get yourself into this time?” would be, “I’ve gifted myself with another opportunity to meet and relate to other mamas, because I need it, the girls need it, and other mamas need us.” I said yes before my mind could convince me to say no, because I want to grow as a mom and as a woman. One of my dear friends thinks I am Superwoman, but I disagree. I’m a mom, just trying to find her way. And that means finding a new community of mom friends to support and be supported by.
What do you do to support and be supported as a mom? Who is in your community?
Good for you Sarah! The world is your oyster!!
Thanks, Barbara!