united states map as a rainbowAs I sat in a suburban Chinese restaurant on the day the U.S. Supreme Court legalized gay marriage, I struggled to explain to our 3-year-old son why we were celebrating. I told him that very important judges (people who help settle arguments) made a big decision that people like Mommy and Mama could get married anywhere in the country. I explained that some people didn’t think two women or two men should be able to get married but that this decision meant they could.

Our son was baffled. He has lived his whole life here in Massachusetts, where he has been surrounded by plenty of other families with two dads or two moms. At his nursery school, his teachers go out of their way to read books about all different kinds of families, including ones like ours. He knows people get married when they love each other and want to be together forever as a family. How could this be a big deal?

His bafflement thrilled me. Ten years ago, when I realized I wanted to marry a woman, Massachusetts was still the only state in the country to allow gay marriage. When we bought a house, our criteria was that our family would not be the only one with same-sex parents in the neighborhood and at school, which limited our search quite a bit. Just five years ago, as my wife and I were planning our wedding, we looked at gorgeous venues in Rhode Island and Maine, but our wedding in those states would not have been legal. Instead, we got married right here in Massachusetts, where gay marriage began. Our ceremony was wonderful, filled with 175 friends and family. When I went back to my first grade classroom with a wedding ring and a new last name, I mostly found excitement and support, but I still faced opposition from parents who were worried their kids would be influenced by my lifestyle.

Having a child brought new challenges. On a practical level, the patchwork of same-sex marriage states has meant that our travel has been limited. We feared traveling to states where our marriage wasn’t recognized, in case something happened to us. We have heard countless stories of a spouse not being able to be in the hospital room with an injured child or partner because they weren’t considered “family.”

However, the changing culture around gay families and gay marriage has allowed our son to be blissfully ignorant. He knows that lots of kids have a mom and a dad, but it’s clear that he feels lucky to have two moms. Outside the house, he never hesitates to correct people who refer to me as his mommy. “That’s MAMA, not Mommy,” he says loudly. “I have a Mommy, but she’s not here.” Most of the time, people smile. Some look confused, and a few look disapproving. This momentous decision means disapproval is no longer officially sanctioned. From Alaska to Florida, we are now recognized as a family.

Now, when I talk to my son about marriage equality, it will be past tense. It USED to be that people like Mama and Mommy and many of his friends’ parents couldn’t get married, even though they loved each other very much. Now, the whole country is our playground. We are a family because we love each other, and because the Supreme Court says so.

 

 

3 COMMENTS

  1. What a fantastic day for our country. I am so glad that your son has been able to grow up without knowing the sting of discrimination, and I hope this means other people’s children get that same blissful ignorance. Bravo!

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