I was recently texting with a friend who lives across the country. She’s a new mom to a beautiful little girl. She’s also a pandemic mom whose family is mostly on the East Coast. A mom who celebrated her entry into motherhood virtually, like so many of us. I was texting to check in — a no-obligation text to make sure she knew I was thinking about her, because I remember just how hard and lonely the first months of infancy were, especially at 2 a.m. when you feel like you must be the only one who is wide awake trying to rock a screaming baby back to sleep.
“How are you?”
“It’s hard…”
“Everyone tells me it’s just a phase, and we try to stay optimistic. But it is so hard.”
More than ever, new moms need our empathy.
And there is no better group of women to empathize with than experienced, seasoned moms.
Acknowledge the bravery. In a world of social media, which is filled with mostly filtered “perfect” moments, it’s terrifying to admit when you are having a hard time. It can be lonely in the real world, too — playgroups and group texts — when you feel like your baby is the only one who cries endlessly. There is no braver mom than one who tells you she’s struggling.
“Thank you for sharing. It IS hard.”
Acknowledge her difficulties. Infancy is hard, and it’s OK to tell a mom she’s in the thick of it. When a mom tells you she’s struggling, it isn’t because she thinks you can magically make it better. She’s looking for her community — someone else who can tell her they’ve been there and she’s not alone.
“Yes, it is a phase, but that does not take away from how difficult this moment is right now, and I’m so sorry you are going through it.”
Ask if advice is what is sought. Advice from moms with experience is wonderful, but only if solicited. Unsolicited advice can feel both overwhelming and dismissive, especially to a mom inundated by an already advice-laden internet. A mom could want both a safe space to vent and some pointers — but it should be on her terms.
