Graduate school, round two, took me a long time. Though I sped through my master’s in Jewish studies right after undergrad, shaving off a semester of coursework by front-loading courses and exams, the second time around was a radically different pace. I was pursuing a doctorate this time, but I don’t think that was really the difference.

I was also pursuing a family.

To my pregnant mind, this seemed ideal. Aside from time in class teaching (or learning), I would have the flexibility to parent AND get my work done on my own schedule. I recognized there would be some sleepless nights ahead from one or both of these sources, but that seemed like a fine trade-off for being able to pull these two feats off simultaneously. Both, it should be noted, felt time-bound to me; they also both felt like essential steps in the future I was planning.

This was the beginning of constantly recalibrating the balance of the personal and professional, present and future. And although my doctorate took as many years to conceive and birth as the kids took months, some of the gleanings along the way still comfort and inform me today, especially as I work with men and women seeking to strike that balance as they consider graduate school.

Here are some tools that helped me along the way:

1. Find the right partners who believe in and see you holistically.

This starts at home but extends to family, friends, advisors, and even doctors who value you, your time, your ambitions, and your whole self. They recognize the interconnection between your parent and student identities and help you grow in both roles, rather than privileging one over another.

2. Seek out the institutions and people whose values align with your life and work.

Take note of both policies and less formal norms that shape the culture, especially by talking with alumni and current students about their individual experiences.

3. Ask for what you truly need — from both your partners and your institutions.

Once you’re realistic about your roadblocks, enlist that boost to get over them. For me, that was time to work and write. Easier said than done, especially with constant urgent daily needs at home. I needed to ask for what I needed explicitly, including through grant requests. And once I had the guts to ask, I received financial support for childcare, which did indeed equal time (please refer back to #2 above!).

4. Try to use the gained time exclusively for school and work, despite all the other lower-hanging fruit that demands attention.

By creating fixed times and places for work, I sought to hold myself accountable, often committing out loud to others (including those who had no stake whatsoever) to finishing a page, section, or chapter.

5. Keep the things that keep you sane.

All along, when I managed to sustain the things that keep stress at bay — for me those are things like exercise and reading fiction before bed — I accomplished more. At first, these seem to take time away from work, but they are additive in the long run, generating more energy and greater focus for your fixed work times.

In taking on these challenges simultaneously, I certainly gave myself the gift of understanding and appreciating my own capacities for balance, living with imperfection, and finding the partnerships that continue to sustain me in my personal and professional life. I also showed my kids firsthand the extent to which our family values learning, growth, and supporting each other as we go after the lives we crave. I hope that image stays with each of them as they start to imagine their own careers and families, and the path to their future.  


Dr. Deborah Skolnick Einhorn is associate dean for academic development at Hebrew College’s Shoolman Graduate School of Jewish Education and assistant professor of Jewish education at Hebrew College. She is the mother of three children, all of whom were gestated and delivered during her doctoral program. 


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