Anyone remember that scene in “Baby Mama” where Maura Tierney catches one of her kids with brown stuff on their hands and asks him, “Is that chocolate or poop?” then proceeds to lick it off before getting an answer. “It’s chocolate,” she announces with a triumphant smile. Her sister, played by Tina Fey, looks on horrified and says, “What if that had been poop?!”
Gross and hilarious? Yes. Frighteningly close to real life? Yup, that, too. Really, it’s just one of the classic moves of an experienced mom — the mom in the trenches who does what she needs to do to get through the day.
Here are five ways to tell if you, too, have gone pro as a mom:
1) You regularly carry four bags of groceries, the diaper bag, and at least one child — while on the phone. Your smallest purse is the size of an IKEA shopping bag.
2) You’ve held a child on your lap while peeing. (If you haven’t had to do this, please don’t judge.)
3) You’ve nursed a baby in any of the following places: the T, a Duck Tour, the Sam Adams Brewery, or Fenway Park (bonus points for wolfing down a Fenway Frank at the same time).
4) You’ve changed a diaper in any of the following places: the Bunker Hill Monument, the Top of the Hub, Fenway Park (absolutely no bonus points for wolfing down a Fenway Frank at the same time, no matter how hungry you are — kind of gross, although efficient).
5) You can dress a tiny thumb-sized doll in even tinier outfits while bouncing a baby on your hip and flipping quesadillas on the stove.
If you answered in the affirmative to any of these, it’s pretty clear you’ve got the hang of this mom thing. You’re doing great, and if you haven’t had a spa treatment in a while, you’re clearly due. If you responded yes to all five, kudos to you, mama. You’re a strong, resourceful woman who doesn’t let little things like diaper blowouts or playground tantrums sideline you. You’re a pro.
But you still might want to be sure you know whether it’s poop or chocolate.
